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Ahoying from landlocked Chalford these lickspittle landlubbers are the urban shipwreck waiting to happen. Having never served time on the sea, and with no more contact with the wetness of the ocean than supping the grog served in the bar of a cross-channel ferry, we Dry Seamen are not shackled by authenticity. Indeed, we are not worthy.

So come and join the menace of our mutant mutiny.


Bill Flint-Heart Billinski

As mild-mannered pickled egg and lingerie salesman Leslie Musket lay in his hospital bed dying of a broken heart, he had no inkling of the future that lay before him. Expert surgeons transplanted into his chest the donor heart of Mean Judd Flint the recently executed homicidal maniac from Chicago. Overnight he metamorphosed into Bill Flint-Heart Billinski, murderer of some of the best beloved sea shanties in history and has continued his killing spree with the hoary band of lewd landlubbers that are the Dry Seamen ever since.

Tortured vocals.

Davido ‘Baby’ O’Farnsbarn

Harpsichord, violin, piccolo, celesta, sopranino recorder, Xylophone, C soprano clarinet and the pink oboe are all instruments that David cannot and will not play. His ancestry played part in the 1923 formation of The Irish Coastal and Marine Service.Unfortunately a mere one year later it was disbanded due to what has become known as the ‘poitín incident’ when all three serving officers were court-martialled. He was born the b’stard son of another alcohol fuelled impropriety to one of the remaining three sea faring gentleman (identity unknown) who still preferred the high seas to the life of an accountant.

Guitar and Venezuelan nasal harp.

Emma the Blower Ramirez Del Fuego

A recent stow-away, Emma “the blower” recently came aboard with nothing but a trumpet, for a life of adventure on the high seas. But don’t tell the lads, they might get worried that a woman on the ship will bring bad luck!


Boson Jökull

A boatswain (/ˈboʊsən/, formerly and dialectally also /ˈboʊtsweɪn/), bo’s’n, bos’n, or bosun) AKA Petty Officer Eyjafjallajökull AKA Boson Jökull is a former stock broker, gentlemen swordsman and alchemist who turned to the more honest trade of piracy after the economic crash. He is responsible for the structural integrity of the hull of the music whilst also whipping up a mutinous mob of participation.


Jean Paul Faultier

Rhythm method (often noted to pull out of a song slightly too late, or come in slightly too early) none too popular with the proper musicians in the band! Has other uses which cannot be examined here. Fond of a stripey jersey and small rivers.

Guitar and heartstrings.

Stixman Kristoff

A reincarnated beater from the  Roman flagship of Emporor Caesar Bicurious, Stixman Kristoff Avanya Stukbehind, deep in the swamp, drives the ship along.

Skins and other organs.

Dandy Dan Duvalier

Is it a rumble in the Balkans or the gutteral tremble of a nearing tsunami? From the deepest plumbed depths, fifty fathoms down in the bowels of the city, comes the barrel-scraping bass of dry seaman Dandy Dan Duvalier.


pre-purchase non-existent album

The Seamen’s notoriously difficult first album will undoubtedly be a timeless masterpiece. Nobody knows whether it will ever be recorded, but its legend precedes it. This allows the delusionally optimistic amongst you to pre-purchase your very own non-existent seasick green vinyl disc.

The Dry Seamen oveflow with talent and ideas. Almost all of them other peoples. Unfortunately, due to mindless bickering and senseless over indulgence they are still to enter a studio. When they do they may work on exploding their desperately adored lyrical palette of weird sex, pointless dreams and beauty found in grim seascapes; replacing it with something deeper and timeless, drawing on old, tragic, quotidian pirate stories. Or they may not.